"I'm not like other girls" - the underlying message

TLDR: Yes, yes you are.

(2009. I'm in the gray touching my butt.)

"I'm not like other girls" was a narrative that surrounded my adolescence. I always felt like I was different from all the girls I knew. I was a tomboy and I didn't chase boys. This apparently made me different. As an adult, it has now come to my understanding that a majority of teenagers often felt misunderstood or that they don't necessarily fit into the standards of society. And while social anxiety and depression is very real and needs to be taken seriously, I want this post to focus on shifting this narrative of being different and why there is a false pretense.

Who are 'other girls'?

'Other girls' are typically everything you're supposedly not. In my case (and a majority of cases), this is a list of female stereotypes. Here is a list. Girls who:

• are sluts on Halloween.

• like pumpkin spice latte.

• wear make up.

• wear skirts & heels

• likes chick flicks.

• takes selfies.

• does that thing wear they hit people when they're flirting.

• wear leggings and Ugg boots.

• are popular.

You get the idea. Nowadays, we have rephrased this to "Ya Basic".

(The Good Place via Giphy)

Basically, any girl who partakes in 'girly activities' falls into this category. This is suppose to make you common, boring, just another fish in the sea. It's suppose to make you feel bad about not being different, special or memorable. And it elevates anyone outside of the 'other girls' category to feel like they are somehow better than the majority. Thus calling young women everywhere to also agree, "I'm not like other girls."

Guess who also doesn't typically fall in the 'other girls' category? Men.

The Rejection of Femininity

A big part of feeling like I wasn't like 'other girls' usually tied with having more 'masculine' characteristics. I don't see this as a bad thing, but what I don't agree with is the labelling of genders to mundane characteristics. It's 2020. I'm not gonna explain how men can wear pink and girls can like cars. However, 12 year old Julia was much more susceptible to believing that hobbies and certain characteristics are gendered. And that what is deemed 'masculine' is seen as strong and heroic versus what is deemed "feminine" is seen as weak.

We see this a lot in the media. Take for example, the Stark sisters in Game of Thrones. Arya is seen as brave, spunky and smart beyond her years; because she liked sword-fighting and complaining about her maiden studies. Whereas Sansa is seen as spoiled, naive and stupid; because she liked embroidery and boys. (If you've ever embroidered anything, you'll find this incredibly upsetting.) The show does a wonderful job at showcasing their character development as they are forced to grow up and become survivors in their own right. The difference is that we needed to see Sansa's journey to change our initial impression and see her as heroic. Similarly to Little Women. We have a Jo vs Amy situation, in which Amy gives a wonderful speech in why she shouldn't be ashamed to rely on a good marriage. (Oscar nominated BTW.)

Again, reiterating that having feminine qualities and ambitions doesn't mean you're weak.

(me with my cousin who won Miss Hmong WI 2012 & Miss Hmong International 2014)

We are fortunate that the media has provided a plethora of strong female characters with varying personalities: Lara Croft (Tomb Raider), Alice (Resident Evil), Elle Woods (Legally Blonde), Ruth Bader Ginsberg (On the Basis of Sex), Mulan, Cinderella (2015) and so on. These characters are proof that being strong is based on mindset and ambition and not what their favorite latte is.

Falling into the 'other girl' category doesn't mean that you're a weak, brainless bimbo. Not being like 'other girls' doesn't make you strong and heroic either. It is a phrase coined by men who didn't understand why we liked or did the things we did.

It's socially implied that having 'feminine' qualities is seen as weak/basic and having 'masculine' qualities is seen as strong/special. And this applies to ALL genders.

The Male Gaze

I hadn't realized that my pride in not being like 'other girls' was all under the false pretense of the male gaze. The irony of all of this was that I only had female friends. And somehow, I saw my close friends as having more dissimilarities with me than the boys at my school. That somehow, I was more like these boys who I could care less for.

My friends liked chick flicks like Mean Girls and so did I.

My friends like leggings and Uggs and so did I.

My friends liked Starbucks and I didn't, and that's ok.

My friends liked taking selfies and I didn't, and that's ok.

My friends wore army pants and flip flops so I wore army pants and flip flops (*see what I did there.)

My friends liked make up and doing their hair and I didn't. So guess who dressed me for prom and made me feel beautiful?

My friends liked to chase boys and I didn't. So guess who went on a double date with me and my crush so I wouldn't feel nervous?

It took me too long to realize that my friends and I have similarities and differences, but most importantly we respected each other. We listened to each other. These women were just as strong, passionate, silly, brave and compassionate as I was. This was when I realized what femininity is and always has been. It's whatever I want it to be. I can like and do anything I want without being subjugated by the male gaze. I can like to cook without feeling like I'm encouraging the 50s housewife trope. I can kill at Mario Kart without feeling less feminine. I can squeal over cute things without feeling basic. And most importantly I can learn, support and empower other women despite our differences.

I am like 'other girls', because 'other girls' are just girls who like doing things that boys don't understand.

And that's pretty dope to me.

Special shoutout to all the wonderful women that have come into my life and always made me feel comfortable to just be me.

This post was inspired by Julie Hang's short comic strip "I'm not like other girls"

You can follow her on Instagram here.